


Save Yourself

by diamond_dust_telepath



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Ace!Bucky, Angst, Feels, M/M, Profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 21:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2362028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diamond_dust_telepath/pseuds/diamond_dust_telepath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When things are left unsaid, it blows up in their faces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Save Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this [Tumblr Prompt](http://imagine-stucky.tumblr.com/post/97914944307), as well as the Ace!Bucky headcanon

The music blaring on his floor of the Avengers tower came as a slight shock to Steve. He moved as quietly as possible, listening to the unfamiliar song. It was the kind of music Bucky had recently discovered, driving guitars and heavy drum beats. He moved to see Bucky sitting on the windowsill, looking out the window with the most controlled expression Steve had ever seen, at least since his time as the Winter Soldier.

The song started over and Steve leaned against the doorway, listening to the lyrics. The words were haunted and Steve felt a sickening twist in his gut. The lyrics were emotional and dark and the blonde had to resist the urge to turn it off. Something in those lyrics was speaking to Bucky, and he was listening so hard that turning it off would surely result in a fight. Instead he moved over to Bucky’s side, putting his hand on top of where Bucky’s was fisted at his side. “Talk to me, Buck.”

Bucky stiffened and relaxed all in an instant, looking up at Steve’s face. His eyes were still blank, his mind clearly still not all there. He swallowed and got up to turn off the music from his iPod. He didn’t move from where he was standing for a moment and Steve was convinced he would have to go stand beside him before Bucky turned. “I don’t know that I could talk about it, Stevie…”

“Everything. You can literally talk to me about anything ok? There is a reason I’m here…” Bucky huffed out a laugh, putting his head in his right hand. He still refuses to touch himself with his left hand, touch Steve. He refuses to touch anyone with it. Steve reached over, resting a hand on his shoulder. Bucky all but ripped himself away, glaring for a few moments before the expression softened and he looked as if everything had been ripped from him again.

“How can you stand me… Stand being so close. How the hell can you stand touching me?” Bucky looked up, and there was honest to God pain in his expression. Steve shook his head, putting a hand over each arm. Steve didn’t understand how just those simple words can cause Steve’s heart to clench painfully in his chest. For once, Bucky doesn’t pull away. 

“Because I love you, Bucky… I didn’t save you just to lose you again… Those things you did… You’ve been atoning for them with every single move you’ve made…” Bucky laughed again and it was a sad, desperate sound. “You’ve gotta believe me, Buck… You don’t remember everything, but I do and I won’t let you do this alone…”

“You’re fuckin’ nuts, Steve. Can’t you see I’m bad for you? I’m just this… This thing…” He wasn’t even truly a weapon anymore. He had rusted and was laying in broken pieces, still trying to find the person under the training and the ice. Steve shook his head and gently guided Bucky to stand, moving him to the couch. When Steve knelt in front of him, Bucky pulled his legs up into the cushion, crossing them.

“You’re not bad for me, Bucky. I want this, and I want you.” Bucky’s fists clenched and he moved away from Steve. He suddenly lost control of that brain to mouth filter people kept reminding him of and he shouted at Steve.

“But I don’t want you!” He didn’t mean it how it had come out, the words not enough to completely describe what he meant. But the hurt was already there. Steve looked at him with a sort of wide-eyed surprise and before Bucky could continue Steve stood, shaking his head. 

“If you didn’t want me, you should have told me! Bucky, if you don’t want to be here, I won’t force you.”

“That’s not it-”

“No, Bucky. It is it. This isn’t me holding you in one place like Hydra did ok?!” Bucky let out a small sound of frustration and moved across the room, his arms gripping onto Steve’s upper arms like they were his only lifeline. And in that moment, they were. Steve looked away a moment before Bucky spoke again. 

“I’m… Stevie… I just… I’m…” He was finding it hard to spit out the words. He finally closed his eyes and leaned forward, his head resting on Steve’s collar bone. “I’m asexual, Steve…”

There was silence for a few moments and Steve folded his arms around Bucky, just like he did every morning when Bucky could finally be bothered to get out of bed. Bucky closed his eyes tightly, fighting the emotions and confusion rising in his body. “You should have told me… But it makes sense…” Bucky froze and looked up at Steve.

“That means no sex…”

“Buck, if it’s not with you, I have no interest. I want you, for you, not for sex.” Bucky could feel the tears in his eyes, feel the emotions rising as he threw his arms around Steve’s neck. Steve grinned and pulled Bucky tightly against him, lifting him those small few inches so he could press a gentle kiss to Bucky’s lips. “I don’t need sex, Bucky, but I do need you. I mean every word of it. I. Need. You.”

“I feel so fucking stupid…”

“You just didn’t understand… They didn’t have a word for it when we were growing up. Besides, you wanted it back then. But none of that matters. If I lived out the rest of my days with you, even just holding your hand is enough.” Bucky closed his eyes and buried his face into Steve’s neck. They stood there, in the middle of the main room of their level of the Avengers tower, just enjoying the calm silence. 

“From now on, Bucky, don’t you hide this shit from me. I was so fucking worried, ok?”

“Only if you promise the same…”


End file.
